And immediately begin the self-sabotaging thoughts in a faster-than-I-can-type kind of inner monologue: I don't want to sound like a bad commencement speech that will be turned into a Top 40 hit with Vitamin C in the background. Oh boy, will anyone think that's funny? Should I type that? People are going to think I'm a lunatic. Sh*t, I'd better get back on track. But what to write? I mean, if I was going to die in 15 minutes, wouldn't I stop typing and call the people I love? But who to call first? Do you call those that you need to patch things up with, the ones who maybe you took for granted when life seemed endless? Or do you call the people who most comfort you, who might be able to make the last 15...crap, it's down to 11 minutes now...I'd better get back on track. Where to begin?
Well that was a fun stream of consciousness report. Now back to the task at hand.
What's the story that needs to be told if I'm about to die?
I'm just a person, like you. I've had dreams and hopes and fears and doubts. None of that seems to matter now that I'm down to my final minutes of consciousness. In the face of death, I don't find comfort in the philosophy that I've read, because I've never really let it sink in to the core of my being. Playing with ideas in your grey matter is great fun, but unless you're living there's not much point. So I guess what I'd say to whoever might read these final thoughts is that you've got to temper your brain play with actual play. Get out into the world and do things instead of just wishing you were doing things. Eventually, if you're not careful, that wishing will turn into jealously and resentment of those who actually are out there engaging with the world, and that's no fun, folks.
Maybe there's no way to keep final thoughts from being a bit twee-sounding, the kind of words that you might hear at a college graduation. But that doesn't make them less true. I've always had mixed feelings about the inspirational - "dance like no one's watching" is a great idea, but, c'mon, I'd always think...people ARE watching, so how can I pretend they're not? And there goes my grey matter again, think-think-thinking along, like a freight train keeping me from doing.
Do! Explore, feel, LIVE. Stop taking refuge in dark rooms in the afternoons when you should be outside in the world. If you must, think about Plato's allegory of the cave. Are you really happy to remain chained to a chair, watching ideas about the world instead of inserting yourself into things? At the end, I think you'll find that....
No. At the end, if this were really the end, I worry that I'll find that the path to happiness does not lie in an endless stream of movies & books. Sure, they're essential to living a rich life, but other people's works of art are not enough. So perhaps this has been an exercise in waking myself up from routine, comfort and change.
And then the timer goes off, signaling that my time is up. Gee, 15 minutes can result in a whole lot of words on a screen. Time is valuable, friends. Go out there and use it.
